?!!?!!

mentally I'm just not here at the moment...

figured it out

So I now have a new outlook on life. Well sort of not really an outlook but more of how I want to change myself. It will be quite interesting and I am sure that anyone who actually knows me will be able to notice it. Basically this is it. Less bitch, more man. The end.

the joker

People are easy to fool. Although with that comes all their trust. I have learned a very good lesson in that being who you really are earns you more rewards than trying to be something you are not. People like seeing your genuine self and usually can see right through an imitation. Faults can sometimes be your biggest benefits they show who you really are and make you seem more open and real. Being down to earth is better than being in the clouds. Always.

oh the horizon.

Well its that time of year again. School is almost over and summer plans are in the air. Me? well I plan on getting my license and just going to as many places as possible I want to enjoy this summer to the fullest its my last before I have to get already for college sort of sad to think about it that way. I guess the best advice for everyone in my situation right now is to think more about enjoying life than analyzing it. Go out there, have some fun, and oh listen to my current favorite song...

Last of CMU

today was my final day Of playing for central maine united. A premier soccer team I have been playing on for three years. After thinking about it for awhile I realized that it has changed my life so much. Before it I was not a very social kid and after I have gained sooo many friends and have learned so many things both good and bad. It just has been so nice to gain friends from so many places that that would probably be the number one gain out of it number two being soccer skills. It will deffinitly be something to remember and I am so glad I played. Thank you cmu bros for being just that the best bros ever. We deeeed it.

work work work

Humor is powerful my friends. I find that I am not probably the best at my job (I work at an ice cream shop) but I think by trying really hard and lightening the mood every once in a while I am improving the view of me as a person. Seems to be working well so far. I guess I get away with quite a few things just because I am funny. There have been numerous times in global studies class that I have done absolutely nothing and when asked what I did all class I have thrown out the truth in the form of a joke and boom not in trouble. Keep in mind though that just because you are extremely funny it does not mean you can do whatever you want you still have to be a good well rounded person. Remember that always.

Woops

so I forgot to post last night. It happens I guess. Well disregard it because today's post is chock full of great stories. Or I guess it is just one big story... anyways. Today I had a girl shadow me at school it was kind of weird because I had never done anything like it but never the less I feel like I did a good job. what I noticed though is how a new kid brings out personalities in people that you have never seen before. I mean its not like a new kid is that big of a deal in my class (170 kids in it) but for some reason girls jumped to show how great they are by throwing on these fake images not representing their actual persons at all. Odd I guess and call me a critic but its just how I see it.

turn the page

Someone today told me they thought they knew everything about me. "Really?" I asked them. In all honesty I am the farthest thing from an open book. I like to let people know what I want them to and thats it. For whatever reason why its not because I choose to its just how I am. I can not handle opening myself up to people however hard I try. Its a problem of mine and I am working as hard as I can to solve it mainly by expressing myself more. I want to do it in multiple ways one of which being this blog others being music,and other creative writing. Who knows what I can accomplish all I know is that I have to start somewhere.

An opening

here is one other document I previously typed up. Some ideology has changed since but the majority of it still holds true. :

4/8/2011 12:33 AM

journal… night 1

Well I guess I really don’t have much to talk about I mean mentally im fine, just a tad bit confused. On so many levels to there is a lot that I don’t understand in my life to name a few of those areas: girls, emotions, school,society the list goes on and on. But I guess those are the biggest points id like to address. So as for girls I don’t understand what they want (as im sure any boys don’t) like I understand what they can be and I just wish I could find the one who gets me but once again so does everyone else but why do I think of my case to be as extreme ? is it because I need to share my life and thoughts with someone or do I just secretly crave someone to make me smile and be happy which I guess has a correlation to the emotional issue. I have a hard time being sympathetic to tragedies and I really don’t understand why people become sad or angry at different things, I have a hard time deciding between two different theories on this the first is that maybe its just because I have not experienced the problems others have or the other is that simply that I’m just an unemotional person that has no heart…. And actually I guess there is a third theory that not to be tooting my own horn or anything but maybe being as intelligent as I am I have gained a view that I should be unaffected by emotion because emotion is the biggest set back of intellectual gain yet oddly enough I still tend to use some of them mainly sadness and happiness though. Society is weird. Very weird. It effects me a lot like why do I have to put on this personality of mine to fit in why can’t I just be the quiet intellectual and slightly pessimistic kid I am? Does it have to do with the needs I have that can only be filled by being accepted by the peers that I want to be accepted by? Or is it more of a big picture thing that to go where I want to in life that I must first prove that I can be anyone I want to be and survive just fine? I don’t really know any of the answers to these questions but I feel that writing this down will help me just the same

Random thoughts

Something I typed up maybe a month or so ago kind of poorly written:

As I sit here I contemplate many different things. For one im unsure of why Im really here I mean we know that no one is sure of the meaning of life but why is it not pursued more. Even if you are religious and you think well I live life so I can go to heaven but that still gives us the question of what is their life for then like well how did god come to be I mean is he just all alone up there and if so who made him because obviously there was not a time when he just appeared….and that brings me to another thought. Time is just a perception of our small minded brains. Time is not a real thing. In our mind there is a time where things start and stop. Time itself though has never started and will never end because no matter what there is time will always be because even when there is nothing there is something it is physically impossible for there to be absolutely nothing. I think a lot of things actually that I don’t even understand like for instance right now I am listening to music. What is it about music that makes us enjoy listening to it. I mean all it is really is just a bunch of sounds that we find pleasing but what makes those sounds pleasing? If I had to come up with an answer I’d say its what we associate them with. Kind of like smells. Because if we smell the scent of poop we immediately associate that with human waste which in out minds is disgusting because intelligence has made us believe that. So that goes with sounds if we hear screech that could remind us of many displeasing things such as fingernails on a chalk board or an animal in pain. I myself am usually extremely confused with daily things. Some make sense, other have no reasonable answer as to why they exist. Like why is it that we sleep? What is sleep? It seems to me like a sort of state of unconsciousness its quite weird actually especially the concept of dreaming, dreaming is quite interesting its like letting the brain off its metaphorical leash and letting it do whatever it wants. I guess that brings me to something else…. What is intelligence? Is it the ability to think in different ways? Or is it the ability to challenge reality to challenge philosophical beliefs that have already been established. I myself believe it can be your enemy and your best friend because with intelligence comes the power to make decisions and sometimes those decisions are bad and sometimes good but with intelligence you can make bad decisions and easily get away with them.

First post

well I finally decided to start a blog, late I know but I feel like it was always meant to be. I have lots of thoughts that I want to share with people yet I'v always felt like the would be criticized to the point where I would never have the courage to voice my opinions again. What compelled me to actually try it? I guess it was an epiphany I realized either way people will always criticize me so why not enjoy the cause of it. So here and I have much to say I do not know much of how blogs work but I am assuming its more of a daily thing but for my sake I may post a couple times a day depending on the subject. Upon hearing my recent decision my Dad quoted possibly the best movie ever (according to the american film society) casa blanca "heres to you kid"