It's been a while

So, I haven't written anything in a while. I could lie and say I've been busy but I really haven't. I finished my first year of college where I admittedly didn't try very hard. I'm a straight B student, I should probably be straight As but what's the point really? I'll get a better job? So what,  I just want to be happy. I don't care if I'm making 30k or 100k a year if I'm depressed with either value then I'm not living life the way I should. I've come to the conclusion that happiness is the most valuable possession, finding it is a quest that has no guide, it's an on going experiment in a sense. Try a few things, see how it feels, then adjust accordingly. For me I think that's going to at least require finishing school, because realistically I need some cash to support future endeavors, whatever those may be. Where am I going with all this? I have no idea and I guess that's the fun in all of it, but if I had to guess at this point I'm leaning towards making myself a cabin on some rural lake and enjoying life. Just as everything in life, that's subject to change and most likely will with some time. Until next time.

Childhood come and gone.

My oh my how the time has gone. I can clearly remember sitting in a chair waiting for my first bus to arrive to whisk me off to kindergarten. Now, I can see the final week of my senior year before me. Amazing isn't it when you actually think about how something that seemed like it would take so long is finally here. It's bitter sweet as well for with graduation comes a huge step towards independence and growth. I can live with that though I'm most certainly ready for a new challenge, more so even a new world to face and to shape. I'm certainly excited for what's to come and I'm sure many more adventures will ensue.

Spiraling

I'm starting to become more and more depressed. I have no idea as to what the cause is. My cognitive strengths have been lacking and it's evident by what I have been doing. I wish I could be happy, it's what I want more than anything just to feel ok and not constantly worried/regretful. It's been this way for years and I have no one to blame but myself but.... I just don't know.

Sometimes I post music

Why.

we are born and raised to believe that we live life to be happy, but essentialy there is no rule to society or the universe that explicitly states that, so the question to what do we do has no real specific answer, logically though we live to progress to understand and to develop. So that's where we find a division many find progress to have a different meaning so we as a society have come up with different ways to base our progress. These can be spiritual or scientific. With a spiritual approach one can assume a roll with little to no care for humanistic views one only has to achieve the criteria for a blissful retirement of sorts. When it comes to science one must come to grasp a theoretical end time scenario of the current society and work to progress through it and by doing so understand the world around us. These together have been working cohesively to create diverse views and such is the reason that we have people who are unconcerned and those who are concerned

current mood music.

here.

feelings

So here I am. Writing. Why? Well that has quite a simple answer. I'm down, and not just kind down. Really down. I feel as if I have no one around me who gives a fuck as to what I do. I care so much about other people, I help them through things I talk to them just to see how they are doing, and yet no one ever asks me  "how you doing man?", or just "what have you been up to lately?". It's very likely I've done this to myself. Maybe I have some huge flaw something that just turns people off. Anyways. I just hole myself up in my room listening to music, djing and sometimes producing till 3 in the morning as well as researching some of the oddest topics (healthy therapy right? *sarcasm*). As a product of this I have picked up incredible observation skills. I notice traits of other people and can pick them apart, as in just understand them I don't mean that in a rude way, like nothing. Oh well. In combination with college applications, and my parent's divorce I'm not doing so hot, but the train keeps a chuggin.